Doom-lolz Of The Week | 3rd Sept 2022

Sweet motherfuckin' Jesus...

Bluster and good ol' British optimism be damned, the week started shit and went downhill from there. The British Media's very own Ralph Wiggum, Darren Grimes, kicked things off by defending the cowardice of our incoming Prime Minister, Liz Truss.

"Dunno about you, but I'm a bit bored of interviews", ruled Grimes, in response to Truss's last-minute cancellation of a Nick Robinson grilling. Though yes, you may have wondered if his own police interviews may have played a supporting role in the tedium. Now, you might wonder, what kind of truth-to-power, freedom-of-speech "journalist" would celebrate a politician running away from scrutiny? And the answer to that, of course, is Patron Saint of Contraria, Darren Grimes.

"I want Truss to focus on what she's going to do to deliver a war-like plan for this crisis!", he continued. Well, quite. But the mind boggles: if she runs away from scrutiny like this, how will anyone ever hear about it?

Presumably in Grimes' mind the biggest, Alpha Male, Casanova LAD in the school was the kid who was like...

"I've got a girlfriend, she's WELL FIT and we bone ALL THE TIME like ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT ... WITH MY MASSIVE SHLONG!"
"Ah that's cool, I'm happy for you. Who is she?"
"Not tellin'."

Next up was everyone's favourite market trader turned gameshow host, Lord Sugar, who decided to take time out from his property portfolio to tell us, again, that we should trek into the office. Apparently because someone's ancestors, somewhere, used to do something similar. He reminds me of the Student Debt Republicans who - purely on the basis they suffered, themselves (many of them didn't) - want every generation after to also suffer the indignity and challenge of being saddled with $100,000 of student debt. 

Of course, it's trauma, really. It's not a normal, compassionate mindset. It's akin to:

"Well, *I* was beaten the shit out of when I was a kid AND IT DIDN'T DO ME ANY HARM!"

And sure enough, Sugar's response to one of the clapbacks was as ridiculous as the prestige we afford him. 

"Did your grandparents work from home?" he barbed. 

To which the only acceptable, sane response is "No, m8. They were working in long-defunct industries approximately thirty years before you started flogging Home Computers".

Finally, former Tory minister, Edwina Currie raised a laugh this week. Or perhaps it was a sobbing, inconsolable sigh. It's difficult to tell where one meets the other these days. Currie quoted the much-loved Money Saving Expert, Martin Lewis - a guy who's only ever tried to help people fight consumer exploitation - and told him not to use words like catastrophe. In terms of fighting accusations that Tories just don't get it this ranks somewhere between "voters are just jealous of my very, very large house" and Let Them Eat Cake. 

Currie's two great political achievements, you'll be aware, were having to resign after running her mouth off and causing the near-collapse of the egg industry in 1988 - and fucking John Major. How very lucky for us that she's decided to re-enter political debate once more. Currie 2.0. Oh, and with such renewed fervour. Before it was just shit intel, talking rubbish and threatening one industry. Now it's a failure to grasp detail, chatting shit... but with the potential to contribute to the collapse of the entire British economy. Big tingz, bruv.

That is - I think - what we all find so dispiriting about modern British politics. The inability to absorb facts. Their steadfast commitment to fantasy. Exceptionalism. The dismissive cynicism employed at every turn.  

Airports, queues at Dover and food rotting in fields? Pfffff project fear, mate.
Masks, jabs, lockdowns? Why though when it's just the flu? It's just the fucking flu, Gary!

Pensioners freezing? Schools closing? Economic collapse?