“More parties? MORE? Are you physically shitting my tits?” That was the reaction from much of Britain this week as - day-by-day - more leaks of more illegal parties at Number 10 emerged. For some, this has been amusing. The idea the PM might be a bit of a piss-head is almost an end-of-the-bulletin “And finally…” kind of story. And it sort of was. Back when it was rare, there was still a sort of novelty. When Johnson was filmed talking utter shit about Northern Ireland, beer-in-hand, there was still a weird, sort of half-amusing layer to it. But in a similar vein as how, I dunno, seeing your Gran sink four double G&Ts and talk shit about her daughter-in-law, at a wedding, could be amusing; because you *NEVER* see her drunk, it's a rare thing etc; versus seeing your Gran get shit-house-drunk and start a big family drama every Tuesday - that shit becomes tedious, right? And so it is true with Johnson. Of course, for some of us it is not funny for other reasons. . I personally have had to come to terms with the fact that someone as objectively shit as Boris Johnson gets invited to parties more than I do. Indeed, even before I became a lonely father-of-two, mauled by childcare issues and financially neutered - even when I lived in East fucking London for two years - the Conservative & Unionist Party appear to have embraced more illegal raves than I ever did. Are Tories edgy now? Because it’s been relentless. Only days ago we were incensed by reports of Johnson & his wife attending a “Make The Most Of The Nice Weather!” garden party, to which he pled ignorance (probably the most accessible of his defences). Jokes aside - we were expected to believe that the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, a man with his finger on the nukes and who is supposed to understand the inner machinations of our country and others - does not understand what is, quite literally, going on in his own back garden. Anyway, now, days later, more reports. This time that “Wine Time Fridays!” were a thing. Reports of staff filling suitcases with wine and smuggling them into the offices. A wine fridge being delivered by the back door. Emails saying “Bring Your Own Booze!”. And now, as we begin a new week, polls show a ten point Labour lead and that 60% of the UK want Johnson to resign for his unreliable and immature behaviour; You might wonder what a troubled PM's response to that might be. "Okay, these Piss-Ups have really gotten out of hand, Mr Johnson" said the aide. "We need to convince people you're a serious and mature Prime Minister for these challenging times" "Got it. I'll write an official plan" belched the bloated, albino yeti. "Great! That's very re-assuring to hear, Mr Johns..." "And call it: Operation Save Big Dog." "I... ugh" “Big Dog”. Ugh. This is precisely the sort of thing that irks people about him. Referring to yourself as “Big Dog” is the sort of thing a 19 year-old does. It's just about forgivable then. A fifty-seven year old Father referring to himself as Big Dog in the third person, frankly, should be set on fire. It's what you expect from a University student. An American Pie character. An annoying pub twat. “Cheers for getting the round in, Monty, but you forgot about… the Big Dog” said Chappers, both thumbs pointing back at himself, while the rest of the group sighed ‘Oh Christ, he’s found us’ - and slowly, one-by-one, exited the bar. This is a Government of that. Of University culture. Of Booze. Of Japes. Of Nicknames like “Big Dog” and “The Prittster". As a country we voted the Tories in again in 2019 to “Get Brexit Done”. This administration appears to believe it has “done” that and now it's on a Gap Year. Now it can let off some steam (and/or itself off the hook). It is a Govt akin to a 22 year-old limping through their finals and onto a summer break; rewarding itself for getting a ‘third’ in Social Studies by getting wasted and overcompensating. All that aside, even if we generously interpret the present state of Brexit as “done” (it’s not) I’m not sure why either that or a semi-successful booster campaign should detract from other colossal failures. But that seems to be the order of the day whenever journalists ask for a response on these illegal parties. "Do you think the PM should resign? No? Oh, you think he got Brexit done and the Boosters were amazing. Okay, great. Thanks. Any other irrelevant matters you'd like to throw in or shall we get back to the question I asked?" It's either that or "Sue Gray". "Do you think the PM should step down?" "Sue Gray." "Has he lied to the House?" "Sue Gray" I wonder if when she was first asked to investigate, Gray wondered if this report might propel her name into the political zeitgeist so fully? If it might secure her legacy as a pillar of the British Political discourse? Or if it might reduce her entire identity to little more than a Tory 5th Amendment. "Does Mr Johnson ever reflect on how his decisions arguably caused a sizeable chunk of the 170,000 deaths from Covid in the United Kingdom?" "Sue Gray" There's never any consideration for the colossal impact that may have been felt, had the first and second lockdowns been jeopardised by Govt parties - AT THE TIME. If everyone had known, back then, that rules were being flouted by the rule-writers, it's beyond comprehension to pretend this wouldn't have had a catastrophic impact on the public's adherence. Instead we get some weird, warped pride at the NHS's booster campaign, (4%) shrunken GDP, incoming inflation through the roof, energy and tax hikes - and all that’s on top of as-yet unaddressed ‘legacy’ crises like Housing and Social Care. When journalists ask ministers what to make of the beleaguered, Caligulan PM and they reply with shit like: “Well, he got Brexit done!” I wonder if they’d let Ted Bundy off because he sort of helped but actually kinda hindered Dan Evans getting re-elected.
