Well, here we are. Right on the cusp of an international military crisis and the Big Dog, who's waited to be Churchill 2.0 his entire life, is seemingly M.I.A. There's something tragic about a guy who's so obviously yearned to be a celebrated, heroic war-time PM like this, failing to live up to his moment, isn't there? He's like an ill-prepared actress stumbling into an audition with no monologue. "Didn't you prepare?" "No, I'm just supposed to do this. I was born to do this." "Riiiiiiiiiiight." He's the embodiment of the depressing state of British conservatism in the 21st Century. Symbolism over substance. He likes the idea and optics of Churchill. The flags. The waving. The crowds. The nationalism. But when it comes to being seen as a guardian of what is "right", on the world stage, a protector of freedoms; to be a punisher, policing those who act improperly, well, he can't quite bring himself to connect the dots with his own domestic law breaking. "Prime Minister, how can you stand there and lecture others on their conduct when you've broken International Law yourself and now you're being investigated over Covid laws and lying about them?" "Because we're not talking about me. We're talking about Putin. Putin Bad. Boris Good. Now don't change the subject!" Still, at least he has a strong cabinet to keep him on the straight and narrow, collective responsibility (obv INSTANT gutter-drain-lolz @ Conservatives sharing the burden). His Chancellor has been managing a not-so-covert career-assassination campaign for a few weeks now. His Home Secretary is only there because the inflated Albino Yeti chucked the bullying report in the bin ("I consider the matter closed"). His Justice Secretary publicly appeals to women to come forward if they've suffered abuse while refusing to reveal why he wrapped an NDA around a former female employee, himself. His (newly appointed) Minister for Brexit Opportunities looks like an amateur dramatics portrayal of a Dickensian paedophile. And his Foreign Secretary is so vapid, soulless and obsessed with photo ops, it makes you wonder if Native American folklore doesn't have a ring of truth to it. They're all disgusting, self-serving narcissists and - to keep it strictly 💯 with you - the fact they haven't calculated how to remove him is a solid counter-argument to the idea psychopaths are super-smart and successful. Each one of them, hired on the basis they were either so careerist they would pretend to support Brexit or stupid enough to genuinely do so - are now charged with another round of supporting the un-supportable, defending the indefensible; news-round human shields, every one of them; held-up to valiantly take the bullets for a liar who has never shown loyalty to anyone his entire life. I always imagine Alexander Boris De-Pfeffel Johnson as the sort of person who - had he been present with his Best Friend on the Titanic - would've orchestrated the following exchange: "What are you doing, Monty?" asked Alex, as his oldest friend placed a lifebuoy over his head and securely around his neck. "Listen, Alexander. There's only enough room for one of us in that boat. You have friends in high places. Go on and make something of your life," ruled Monty. "Monty, I... I don't know what to say?" "Don't say anything." "I.." "Just promise me, you'll take care of Margaret and the boys." "Sure, Monty. I promise." nodded Alex, climbing into the last lifeboat and waving goodbye. But then he'd get ashore, never mention the conversation to anyone and just stop-by one weekend to fuck Monty's widow before leaving her destitute. Tear-ducts full, balls empty. And this is the man for whom the Cabinet routinely die a thousand deaths. "Do you support the Prime Minister?" "Ugh, yes, but I really want to talk ab..." "But do you believe him? Will you ask him to resign if it turns out he's lied?" "I'm the Minister for Health. Can we please discuss Hospital waiting t-" "Who paid for the wallpaper? Did he really say Bodies Pile High?" Unsurprisingly, all this fire-fighting, all this defending and obfuscating in response to his myriad scandals is having an impact on the Tories' ability to lead and govern. And indeed to influence the outcome of Russia / Ukraine. It's one of the great frustrations with being on the Left right now, isn't it? PM breaks his own laws and lies about it. He attempts to dodge scrutiny, tanking public confidence in everything from the Metropolitan Police to MPs to Standards Committees; Then we blow a fuse that standards are *so* low and MPs *so* hyper-partisan that he may actually survive it, and ask what becoming a Banana Republic means for Britain's reputation on the world stage and so on... But the opinion pages of STEM (Sun, Telegraph, Express, Mail) just vomit out their usual, vampiric levels of reflection. "No one cares about the parties ffs, we're heading into WW3!". "Typical REMOANER plot! Can't take Brexit so trying to destroy his career !!1111!!!" Is it too much to ask that they - just once - abandon the symbolism and look at the substance? The broader context? The repercussions of something? These people have the depth of a porn-flick story arc. I mean, does it ever dawn on the new intellectuals of The Express, for example, that the reason we're talking about something as ridiculous as parties, the reason that the PM is forced to busy himself with a private lawyer and lock himself in a room to fill out his SurveyDotCom (rather than leading or engaging in serious diplomacy, not Johnson's strong point, obviously) is "Boris Johnson Is Shit". Like, we tried to warn you, guys. Play Caligulan Party Boy Games, Get Ridiculous Distraction Prizes. Indeed, had other areas of his leadership been more successful, perhaps #Partygate would be less toxic? If Brexit had been a success and your business had boomed, would you be so incensed? If Covid restrictions had stopped The Johnson Variant rocking up with a marching band and we'd faired as well as New Zealand (total deaths: 53), would the country care so much that Whitehall itself had breached guidelines here and there? Hard to say. Partly because we don't have a time machine or an alternate reality but mostly because the Public Accounts Committee confirmed this week that Brexit had no known benefits and our death rate stands at ~160,000. Frankly, fantasising about blue-sky scenarios feels more the remit of Brexiters / "I Already Have An Immune System!" types, doesn't it? Now I know what you're thinking. #Partygate, Brexit, Covid, Putin. These are all very serious but stop jumping from colossal failure to colossal failure, like some weird, embittered, remoanery game of Hop-Scotch, Aid. Fine. But the thing is... they are all interconnected and rooted to Boris Johnson and they all affect his ability to help de-escalate Russia. If The Conservatives (and specifically the Vote Leave guys) had been honest from the start, Brexit would not have happened. And the fact that it has, has both decimated our standing on the world stage ("they break international law", "they're not part of a big Bloc, united, with military and trade influence") and divided us domestically. For all their flag-nonceing and "Global Britain" and undertones of "Make Britain Great Again", their pet project has reduced us to a small, mean-spirited and arrogant island that left its seat at the table empty, with regards to geopolitical crises. We are no longer a part of the European Union. And in leaving, we opted out of having any say in how situations like this (and the negotiations around them) impact countries within Europe, including ourselves. We no longer lead in Europe. We are just affected by the decisions Europe makes. And remember, even before Brexit and Party-gate soiled our reputation, Russia saw us as a laughable, strutting peacock. I don't recall any amount of Churchill statues or poppies stopping Putin from leaving a body in a bag in Vauxhall, poisoning the Skripals, flying into British airspace or murdering Litvinenko. *YOU* may remember Putin taking Theresa May's Head-Teacher shtick seriously and totally reining in his tomfoolery. But me? Hmmm. Recollections may vary. The difference now is where Johnson is told he has to 'put pressure on Russia', he has to cancel the call because he's too busy dealing with the fallout of his fuckery. And through Brexit, he can't rely on support from neighbouring countries he's disrespected. And because any solution is likely to stem from a mixture of military might and trade, then the entities likely to lead (and benefit from) that solution are U.S., China and the European Union. In pursing a return to a weird, colonial super-power status, we have rendered ourselves more insignificant. In pursing his own ambition to being Churchill 2.0 whatever the cost, Johnson has rendered himself a bit-part in the major players' stories. Boris-fans may cheer on the look-and-feel of a British PM warning Putin that "Invading Ukraine Would Be Tragic Miscalculation". But honestly? I wonder if Putin even took the call.