Well another week, another interest rate hike. I make that the seventeenth time this quarter. Though I confess I’ve never been one for numbers. I always imagined that might preclude me from a career in Economics but it turns out I may well be qualified to work as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Base rate is now 3%. That's the biggest single increase in thirty years. At least there's growth somewhere, right? High Street Banks are fluctuating between four and six. That means for some families the next year or two will be catastrophic. Years of saving to get on the ladder swept away in a tide of financial fuckery and Trussian delusion they did nothing to deserve. When I told my neighbour we may have to sell our house the other day, he tried to reassure me, offering: “Well, the thing is, we’ve been through all this before! Back in the day we had ten percent interest! It’ll all settle down in the end. I know it’s scary but we’ve all been through it...” To which I replied: “Yes, but I bet your mortgage wasn’t fifteen times the average salary back then, was it, you dopey prick?” In fact that’s precisely what I said. Though admittedly, to myself, about twenty minutes later, as I angrily drank alone in my kitchen. [ may as well enjoy my liberty in drinking alone now before I have to face the judgement of our housemates or fellow hostel dwellers. Although technically, I suppose "being eyeballed by another human being while i slug my brandy" sort of negates the "alone" bit, so problem solved 👍🏻 ] Mortgages themselves are going to be so expensive you’ll soon need a mortgage to pay your mortgage. What is that going to do to YOUR street? How many will still be there in eighteen months? Where will they go? I mean, I know we fetishize all things America here: Pimp My Ride remakes, the anti vax movement, saying "#sorryNotSorry"... but I was kinda hoping Tent Cities wouldn't make it across? That the very concept might get lost in translation, sort of thing? A bit like "speaking quietly" does in the opposite direction. Anyway, if you ARE lucky enough to be on an agreement already, you must be shitting your tits at the thought *re-* mortgaging. I know I am. For this year’s Halloween I went as next year’s renewal. “Thing is, Mr Thompsin, you had a 2 year fixed for 2.99%. And that was £700-a-month. But under the new Great British Crazy Kwasi rates, you’d need to be paying £1,200-a-month - and that’s clearly too much for you.” “I see. So.. should I sell up?” “Well here’s the funny part.” “Funny?” “Yes, because market-wide no one can afford to keep their homes, they’re all selling them at the same time! So, house prices are down - and we estimate your home is worth 15% less NOW than when you bought it.” “I’m sorry, HOW is that funny?” “Well you see… you can’t afford your house cuz it’s too expensive but you simultaneously can’t sell it cuz it’s too cheap.” “I see. Yep. Hilarious.” I’m told they hike rates to “get inflation under control”. Standard tingz. “This is how it works, Aid”. To my mind that'd jive when inflation is the result of a domestic economy booming too quickly, if everyone’s got too much money, if heaps of products are being re-priced and hiked out of control.. In that situation? Sure, by all means, because that’ll make everyone’s rents and mortgages expensive, they won’t be able to afford an extra £500 for the food shop or £9 for a pint of beer, and UK suppliers - broadly - will be forced to reduce their products to remain in the market. Costs come down. That. makes. sense. But I’m not sure how you apply that logic to the Cost of Living Crisis. I mean, this all started from international Energy markets that don't give a Kings Cross fuck about little Britain's domestic problems. Natural Gas began soaring in February. Globally. People don’t have too much money, in fact it’s the opposite. This is inflation spawned almost directly from a global Natural Gas shortage. Now, because the Govt didn’t want a meaningful price-cap or to part-nationalise the energy corps, inflation took hold, and - quite predictably - every business from Barbers to Recruitment Consultants to Tesco to Costa to Renault Showrooms and back were forced to increase their prices and so we are where we are. So, back to rates: I’m not sure I understand how carpet-bombing the country with Rent and Repayment increases is going to fix this? If it’s from one specific source? If it’s driven by international factors? Perhaps that’s why now, still, on the 34th round of interest rate adjustments (again, NOT a numbers guy), inflation doesn’t seem to give a shit. Inflation is untroubled. I mean, do the Bank of England seriously think BP or Shell are going to reduce the price of Fossil Fuels if London rents go up a bit? Do we think ExxonMobil are going to shout some Black Friday deals if my mortgage doubles? Or do we think they’ll actually *definitely* shrug, and go “Shame about the UK economy. ANYWAY, fortunately there’s ONLY another two THOUSAND countries that will happily buy that stock at the same price, so…” Do they need to reduce the cost of their product to re-attract British customers? No, they can just sell it to a country that’s not a total fucking basket-case. Is British exceptionalism really this bad? That we expect international corporations to sell to us because, what, we’re the bestest? Or because “times are hard, do us a favour?”? It’s like expecting your Coke dealer to drop a gram to £15 because a) you really need it for a party but b) you had a tough month. And he’s like: “Yeah, but I dont NEED to discount it to £15 when there’s a pub full of other people who’ll buy it for £50 AND BESIDES.. what kind of Father buys cocaine to self-medicate through his son’s 6th birthday party? ‘The fuck is wrong with you?” Still, sometimes in lieu of solutions, it’s nice to know there's someone’s listening, isn’t it? We don’t always need solutions, just someone to lend an ear. A bit of compassion. So Reader, it was warming to read our newest (unelected) Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, offering these words of comfort on the front page of Saturday’s Times: “The State can’t fix all your problems” Yes, you read that right. The State (which is ostensibly the Conservative Party) can’t fix ALL your problems. Like, Jesus, give them a break? DON'T BE SUCH A DIVA. They must be exhausted from fixing all the other problems! The NHS, the Teacher shortage, the Housing Crisis, making a success of Brexit, handling the Pandemic well, addressing the labour shortage, fixing the Judiciary, Prisons, the Probation Service, improving trust in politicians, eliminating foodbanks, improving industrial relations, reducing crime and overseeing wage growth.. Exhausted! But they can’t fix EVERYTHING!?! Throw that stage-rider in the bin. Save your wish-lists for Santa. Who do you think you are? Mariah Carey? BE REASONABLE. Sarcasm aside.. what are they on? I know Sunak doesn’t drink. But does he do Fentanyl? Because this is the same party that - a month ago - slipped on a banana skin and blew a £50bn hole in the economy. And now, as people ask to be protected from the consequences of their financial fuckery, they're like “Ugh, do you want me to wipe your arse for you too?”. "But this is due to YOUR fuck-up" "Yes, but make no mistake: these are very much YOUR problems. And this is called Self Responsibility." Responsibility. Lol. Ladies and Gentlemen: the Natural Party of Govt. God knows in these days of a tanked political discourse and decimated trust in politicians, my expectations of any of them fixing my problems are through the fucking floor, but I can’t be alone in wanting to scream through the gates of Downing Street: “We don’t expect you to solve EVERY-THING - that ship has long since sailed. We just want you to stop serving up more problems, every four weeks, like some sort of fucked up subscription service we can’t get out of” <DING DONG> "Hello?" “Yeah, hi Mate, I’ve got your Hello Fresh, your Beer-52, and your latest gift from the party of Fiscal Responsibility.” “Is it the 28th already? Well, Sept they fucked my pension, October I lost my home - I wonder what surprise November’s going to bring me!” “The State can’t fix ALL your problems...” Christ. Is it just me? Or is Sunak sounding like a deadbeat Dad; whose kids are feral, wandering around in soiled nappies; neglected and living in filth. And as he’s been laying there on the sofa drinking 3-litre bottles of White Lightening and watching football and eating shit for fifteen hours straight, his wife's patience has gradually worn thinner and thinner. Finally, she approaches him at two strokes to midnight and politely asks if *maybe* he could find it in his heart to MAYBE put his plate and pint glass in the sink… “Ughhhh GOD do I have to do everything round here?” Not everything. Just something. Or in some cases nothing. Because here's a jarring thought to leave you on: Between Brexit devaluing the pound, Covid's £50bn wasted, the Cost of Living Crisis' £50bn blackhole, my diluted pension, this spiralling mortgage nightmare, I'm almost positive I would've been mathmatically* better-off had the Tories done precisely nothing since 2016. *not a numbers guy
