This week saw the Conservative Party’s internal split widen. As of this morning (Sunday 5th June 2022), the Times’ Tim Shipman is reporting the no. of Letters of No Confidence could be as high as sixty-seven (the threshold is 54), with an unnamed “number cruncher” suggesting actual VONC votes could breach the perimeter of the 190s. I always marvelled at the way the Tories make it so hard for themselves to reach the threshold of no confidence. I achieve it in seconds by merely speaking to the opposite sex. Self loathing aside, not gonna lie: it is fun to see the Conservative Party experience the division they so freely visit upon the rest of the country back within the confines of CCHQ. Until now, it’s sort of been their shit product forced upon the rest of us. Like 50 Cent buying and promoting Branson Cognac despite being t-total, himself. I mean, sure it’s a solid brandy, but something feels weird, nay exploitative, about a millionaire telling me to buy alcohol that he wouldn’t never touch, himself. A hark back to his crack-dealing days, perhaps... “Oh *absolutely* it’s destructive! It’ll horsefuck your liver, kidneys, relationships and career and no, *I* won’t be partaking for all of the reasons I've said. Are you mad? But for you? For YOU? Honestly, this is perfect. Here, have a top-up.” Recall, dear reader, that everything in this tedious fucking Culture War, from Brexit to Poppies to The Proms to professional journalists shitting their tits over wokeness; ALL of it is rooted in David Cameron’s cowardly move to run a referendum - rather than lose 12 MPs to UKIP. So it started with division and a lack of responsibility. It bled out to the rest of us. Now, amusingly, it’s found its way back to CCHQ in the form of collapsing support for Mr Brexit himself. It’s nice to see things come full circle. It's the sort of joy you could only experience by spiking 50 Cent's *other* beverage investment (VitaminWater) five times a day with fucking brandy - and kicking back with a sip of schadenfreude as you watch his career and relationships fall apart. I digress... So Who Are The Mutineers? The big ones are a mix of those you might expect, and those who might surprise you. On the left (so to speak) there's Jeremy Hunt, TNT (aka Tom & Tobe aka Tom Tugendhat and Tobias Ellwood), Theresa May, Bob Neill; on the right, there's size-0 ERG starlet, Steve Baker, there's Penny "I bet I can say cock a few times in a Parliamentary speech" Mourdant and your favourite idiot's favourite idiot, Andrea Leadsom. But although it's pleasing to see some Tories are reaching their limit with the World King... "Well, yes, obviously I found his lying, cheating and near constant assaults on democracy distasteful but I draw the line at poor polling" ...perhaps we need to temper expectations that policies might drastically change post-Johnson. Mourdant was still hyping Brexit as recently as December. Leadsom resigned from Cabinet in 2019 citing that Theresa May's deal wasn't Brexity enough. And I dare not comb through their voting records on Austerity. First, I don't think my heart could take it. Second, this isn't a well researched, fact checked article. If you're looking for real, investigative, holding-power-to-account journalism, honestly mate, we have Mumsnet for that. And then there's the supporting cast. His Ethics Advisor, Lord Geidt, was said to be 60/40 in favour of resigning. Scottish Conservatives leader, Douglas Ross has pushed that "if he's breached his own guidance, then that is an important issue". City and Westminster MP, Nickie Aiken cited her shock at the Gray report, as did Carshalton's Elliot Colburn. The groundswell is clear. The support is waning. The letters are piling up quicker than a poorly thought through metaphor. How *has* this groundswell of anger been greeted by Johnson loyalists? I can barely bring myself to write Johnson Loyalists without snort-laughing my face inside out. The idea that one should be loyal to a man who couldn't bring himself to remain faithful to his cancer-stricken wife; a man who publicly committed to laying down in front of bulldozers to block the Heathrow expansion - IN HIS OWN CONSTITUENCY - but who then presumably (?) flew away from the same fucking airport, rather than vote on it; the idea that such a morally-bereft, black hole of self should command anyone's loyalty is a concept so demonstrably ridiculous I'm surprised we're not having a referendum on it. Surprisingly though, these loyalists do exist. Still. No matter the collapse in polling and political near-certainty that huge swathes will be rendered seatless at the coming GE. There they stand. With him. Loyal. They remind me of the Bill Cosby fans that gave him a standing ovation after 18 women had come forward to say he'd drug-raped them. Just... nope, I won't hear it, don't call me stupid, he's MAGIC! They wank over free speech but can't hear criticism. It simply cannot physicallybe heard. And certainly not after the BBC have finished the edit. Cultism? Sycophancy? Or good ol' Conservative Self Interest? Who knows? But those three make up the (self-defeating) triple-threat of the modern Conservative party. First up, Christ, do we even need to mention Nadine Dorries? She's already confirmed her support for Johnson is undying. We've seen the fawning fuck-me eyes. Let's just move on. I don't know how much of that Gin & Koolaid cocktail she's had, but the hangover won't be pretty. Next was the Sunday Times. They ran a piece, suggesting mutineers were "just narcissists". I know. I KNOW. A bold AF accusation to throw around when defending... a narcissist. Fighting fire with fire, I guess? I think Ive said this before, but they remind me of the parents of a bully, complaining that "the teachers are just picking on him". "They're just fucking narcissists!" cry the loyalists. Christ on a Dildo. The self-awareness overdraft these people must be in, has to be reaching 'unmanageable' territory. How can anyone with a straight face defend Boris "I hired a personal photographer to snap me signing my letter of resignation" Johnson - by lambasting OTHERS for their narcissism? Shortly after, the I Weekend reported that Team Johnson had warned the rest of the party that - without him - they will lose the next General Election; to which the only reasonable response in this most highly regarded of intellectual realms is "Hahahahhahahah ahahhahaha hahhahaha are you fucking joking m8?" What kind of cosmic, 5th-gear cretin loses their party an 18-pt lead, polls behind Labour in "most trusted with the economy" and secures an 11-pt dip in Westminster Voting Intention for SIX FUCKING MONTHS before circling back and threating: "Ditch me and you might find yourself in electoral trouble". "Oh really?" MPs-with-brains may respond. "I wonder that that'll be like". Difficult to comprehend the layers-deep fuckery the Tory party find themselves in now, isn't it? Anchored to a guy that's haemorrhaging support from Wakefield to Westminster to Wandsworth and back. Devoid of an alternative. In for the long-haul. Out of ideas. And yet, despite all this, the loyalists, the Telegraph columnists, the flag-accounts persist. In their reality, Johnson is an asset. He connects with voters. "He's the reason we won Hartlepool!" etc etc. And perhaps aptly, just like with Brexit, they gallop towards the cliff edge with an unshakeable faith that it'll all turn out fine. Believe! Stay The Course! Donate $500 Now And Get This Limited Edition Bible Autographed By God Call 1-800 Christ Is Coming. But at least this is a cliff edge we're not forced to leap off with them. In fact this one is rather enjoyable sight to behold, to watch from the sidelines. it's almost worth camping out to ensure you've got a good seat for it. Someone break out the cognac.
