I recall writing not so long ago (pre Pincher-gate) about the internal Tory split. I called the blog “Tories Are Split: the Witless and the Witterers”. Because it was cheaper to showcase my need for one than actually advertising for a subeditor. The witless were the insufferable brigade of batshit brexity bellendry. Flag-fucking fools whose intellectual depth allowed mere skindeep analysis. Their's is a politics of superficiality, symbolism and the prioritisation of the ideologicalover the logical. The Witterers, conversely, were the plotters, the rebels; the few remaining moderate Tories who would whisper and conspire; the Witterers were desperate to oust Johnson. Since then Bozza’s been castrated though unfortunately for his childcare bill, only in the political sense - and the split merely amplified. And post-neutering, we have his prospective successors. On the Left (so to speak) we have Tom Tugendhat, and arguably in some ways, Rishi Sunak. On the Right: Badenoch, Truss, Mourdant and (until very recently) Suella Braverman. That’s four lunatics to 1 centre-Right (we still don’t know what the fuck Sunak is - what’s American for ‘beige AF interchangeable placeholder’?). That weighting may sound unfair but rest assured, since Johnson deselected the moderates for refusing to kiss the ring, it perfectly reflects the ratio of the modern Conservative Party. Consequently, with that lean to the hard Right, the battle for the leadership is dominated by the sort of rhetoric that'd make the PR at a 90s BNP rally think twice. “I’ll stop the immigrants comin’ ‘ere!” one shouts. “No, I’LL stop them!” rages another. “Oh, you’ll stop them will you? With what?” “With my flags and my Great British Harpoon manufactured from recycled Spitfire iron!” “Recycled? What are you? Gay?” “Not since the conversion therapy, THANK YOU” Now look, you might think to yourself: why are they frothing about Borders and Trans/toilets when the public are significantly more worried about the impacts of Brexit, the Cost of Living and an imploding NHS? And the answer to that, Dearest of Readers, is "they don’t give a Kings Cross fuck what the public are interested in. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?". They follow the public’s concerns like the shit’s a plot-line on Love Island and *they’re* my girlfriend, staring at her phone, paying no attention whatsoever then feigning offence when anyone (me) suggests they obviously don’t care about it cuz they’re not paying attention. We're talking about people like Jacob Rees-Mogg, Iain Duncan Smith, Bill Cash, Mark Francois, Scott Benton. The type of politician who can't keep their dick limp at the thought of a Union Jack or the Royals, but whose love of the nation always seems to stop *just* short of the people that live in it. Starving or freezing to death? They couldn't give two shits if they grew another arsehole. It's a breed of sociopathy that really goes the extra mile. Not only do they notcare, they can't even pretend to care for the sake of winning the next election. It is honestly a baked-in commitment to Queen and cuntery that is so unwavering and steadfast it's almost impressive. They’ve lost Westminster, Amersham, North Shropshire and fucking WANDSWORTH - and still they're like “ah, well, them's the breaks. I’m sure we can win them over in a month or two by changing precisely nothing”. To be fair, that sort of thing is more a hallmark of the World King, himself. With his already-over-promoted successors, though, you get the feeling it’s more calculated. They know they don’t have to worry about appearing a bit bat-shit to the constituents of Windsor or Wycombe because they’re only chasing the votes of the Parliamentary Conservative Party - and they went insane three years ago. It’s like telling your newly-divorced brother to tone down the desperation… as he walks into "over-40s speed dating". Specifically, Westminster Tories don’t care about the Cost of Living because it doesn’t affect them and they’re self-serving psychopaths. They care about the things that will get the other MPs to vote for them right now. And most of the other MPs are lunatics. And so the rhetoric shifts from One Nation (Home Counties) conservatism to “benefits scroungers” and “small-boats”; they reach climax to the sound of hitting back at the ECHR, getting vengeance on the EU!, on beating those traitorous Remoaners to death with their own shoes etc etc. Avengers… Assemble. I mean, sure, your Aunt Maud from Gerrards Cross thinks Boris Johnson is a lying yeti who would sacrifice blood relatives to retain power another month. But it’s not her they need... yet. I mean, consider how - in the electorate, in terms of popularity - Brexit now ranks just below a cumless fuck in Milton Keynes. But if they made their leadership pitches about somehow acknowledging that, the ERG would become a terror group by the end of the first debate. So we get leadership contenders falling over themselves to - not just support Brexit - but accuse others of being out to reverse it, like that's a bad thing. It's bizarre. Outside of Westminster, it’d probably be a vote winner! It would also curveball-fuck Labour for five or ten or ten years. “Sir Keir, the Tories have come out saying they want to rejoin the bloody EU!!!” “Well, fuck. I didn’t see that coming!?!" “What should we do? Should we ALSO go pro-EU? Seems to be what the voters want?” “No, no, no. That’ll make me look like I’m supporting the Tories again. Blast. No, we’ll just pursue Brexit, we’ll say we’re respecting the Will of the People and there’s plenty of opportunities outside of the European Union.” “This all feels arse backwards” “Yep. Doesn’t feel right.” But fortunately they can’t be real. Because they’re dealing with fantasists. So in the absence of realism and pragmatism, we get the superficial and fantastical. There's too many people on benefits. I will stop the small-boats. We're re-invading the colonies. They each hype tax cuts. They whimper about a return to traditional conservative values. Values that don't appear to include criticising the lying and corrupt Boris Johnson. None can square their "I'll cut taxes on day one!" with their June talk of "don't ask for a pay rise because it'll just fuel inflation". You can't have an energy price cap. We can't keep interest rates low. The more money you have in your pocket, the worse inflation will get. But somehow I'll cut your tax bill. Got it? It smacks of... “Don’t try to manage your own net income. Let *us* do that as part of a weird leadership contest and pre-election give-away!” “Err, hang on, I thought you were all about self-responsibility?” “When you need my help, it's your mess, you clean it up. When it serves my agenda, I'm happy to take control of your finances.” "Riiiiiiiight. Now I get it." Reminds me of the time Jeff Bezos pushed back on something or other. Wage increases? Toilet breaks? Unionising? A National Enquirer article? I can’t remember. But I do remember Marina Hyde making light of the idea that the goodness of Bezos extends only so far as charity and ribbon cutting, ego and being celebrated. When it comes down to the boring business of simply paying people a living wage or supporting society through appropriate taxation, mysteriously then the goodness runs dry. Similarly, the Tories want the “oh, thank you, Master!” gratitude for the tax cut. From what I’ve seen, in any sane vote for the leadership, Tugendhat would be a shoe-in. He speaks well, coherently, articulately and for the most part - from a place of understanding and compassion. But this is not a sane vote. This is a political Squid Game where each contestant would happily shoot their colleague in the genitals if it got them two votes closer to the final two. This is a race to the bottom in who’ll promise the most to the Kool-aid cultsters whose Brexit religion has reached the nadir where they don’t care about substance or plausibility - just that the candidate knows the words to the song. Whoever wins will inherit a deeply divided party. One that either refuses to work with them (Tugendhat, Sunak) or one that propels itself from power and blames the electorate for getting it wrong. The Tories are factionalised and fucked. And it’s making my bollocks tingle.
