The Conservative Party Conference begins tomorrow! A four-day festival peppered with headline appearances from your favourite sociopaths - all in the Second City of the United Kingdom, Birmingham. Or “a dump” as one of the Conservative Youth Association referred to it yesterday morning. I mean, WOW, right? Takes some balls to fuck off the Red Wall, cancel huge chunks of HS2, completely abandon Levelling Up without one discernible benefit realised - and then get out at Birmingham, like "Pfff. Why isn't it nicer?" “Birmingham is a dump”, tweeted Daniel Grainger, confidently, before later replacing the post with: "My tweet in relation to Birmingham was not about the city or its people," he clarified, leaving readers confused as to what it *could* have been about. Another Birmingham? The one in Alabama? Cabbages? Des Lynham? "I’ve always enjoyed my visits to your city, but this morning I was greeted by an individual who threatened me with a mugging". Right. "Threatened me with a mugging'" No further details provided, of course. No location, time, witnesses. Not because the mugging never took place, you understand, but because it definitely did, and it was so significant that he had to generalise an entire city AND, also, that it was simultaneously *insignificant* enough that he was able to, err, forget to provide any specifics. It was both a huge deal and nothing at all. Then he privatised his account. How very Conservative. Anyway, Levelling Up has been a bit of a theme this week, albeit in the background of the Prime Minister's maiden Trussterfuck, which... I mean, Jesus Christ, it's been like watching Todd Margaret have an anxiety dream. She's ping-pong'd from hiding from the media ("where the fuck is she?") to struggling with interviews on local radio ("maybe you should've stuck to the hiding thing"). And look, sorry to ask questions of those who struggle to answer them but where is the shame? Aren't you embarrassed? God, those awkward silences. The memes. The deluge of mockery. She started the leadership race saying she'd be tough on Putin. She's come out the other side outgunned by Partridge. Truss says she wants policies that "reward hard work". Presumably to generate revenue and power the economy. In a way she's succeeding. I've never been more motivated to setup a kickstarter to pay my lawyers for when I'm charged with protesting - for having followed her around with a loudspeaker blasting Curb Your Enthusiasm music at her, for seven days straight. Back to Levelling Up though. The Times tweeted that Conservative MP Simon Clarke, had warned "Britain has lived in a “fool’s paradise” for too long and must reduce public spending to help fund the government’s £45bn worth of taxcuts". Well, now m8. I know how much you all hate a Captain Hindsight and all, but indulge me: Maybe if the Government hadn't spent the last ten days trying to answer the question "What would happen if we wrapped the Culture War around Western Capitalism?", maaaaaybe, just MAYBE, they could've asked the Bank of England for the sixty-five BILLION it ended up having to use to buy back British debt? I don't want to point out the obvious but would it not have been better to ask them for that money? "Can I have a hundred quid?" "What? no!" "You may as well give me a hundred quid NOW or I'm going to do something STUPID and you'll have to spend a lot more repairing the damage." I'm going to say this because it needs to be said. The people commenting (on the Right) who are seeking to trivialise our current fiscal situation are dribbling fucking morons. From Lord Molyon to Darren Grimes to Tom Harwood and beyond. Face-value flag-fuckers whose inquiring minds and critical thought extend solely to "oh, the graph went up again". No acknowledgement of the BoE intervention or Truss/Kwarteng finally agreeing to sit down with the OBS - and of how these two things may have helped, slightly, to restore confidence, and nudged up Sterling up again. No. It's all just "investors must have seen the light!". The plan is *suddenly* amazing. That's the kicker here, isn't it? That this ideological bullshit has found its way into your fucking mortgage now. Into the real shit. Like a creepy colleague sliding in your DMs after liking all your holiday photos. We know you're on the hook for £239k to Barclays and yes we know this account is private, but the Govt is requesting access. It was all fun and games when all they were selling us was "we've ALL just got to tighten our belts that LITTLE bit longer..." or "Brexit's Benefits Are Just Around The Corner!". Then, it was funny to see some of the most expensively educated people in the world shit on basic logic to run around frothing what boils down to the "Christ Is COMING!" of British politics. Now it's less amusing. Now this same coterie of koolaid cunts are applying that very same mentality to the imminent collapse of the Western financial sector. It'll be fiiiiiiiiine. Just trust in the process. Stop Project Fear'ing our wobbling Pensions sector. OOoOooooh, you're being hysterical. Delusional, dismissive Brexity bellends casting off concern from the world's experts, once again, to everyone else's detriment. We're in a shit sequel. Brexit II: This Time It's Personal. It feels less like the Economy is being run by a Chancellor and more driven by a chuckling cretin from a Public Health, Drink-Drive commercial. "Ahahahaha it'll be fine m8, dont worry about it, I got the keys, I've only had five, you're being ridiculous." Still. Maybe it will turn out okay? Maybe the IMF, the Bank of England, the President of the United States and even the Hedge Fund speculators the Chancellor allegedly met before and after the mini-budget who were able to accurately predict the outcome of the policy - maybe they're ALL wrong and the same party who have manifestly fucked everything else in the country for the past twelve years - are right about this? Could happen. But I confess, Dear Reader, in my lesser moments, I have found myself wondering: if the whole point of Trickle-down Truss is that these tax cuts pay for themselves, why do you need £45bn to pay for them? More specifically, how can you stand there one minute claiming that giving bankers huge bonuses and people on £130k a taxcut is good for investmentand that the money will work its way down to shops and services AND INSPIRE GROWTH - and next minute, say poor people need to pay for it? Either it would re-emerge as VAT in shops or peoples' National Insurance... ...or it wouldn't? Anyway, let's get back to Simon Clarke though, who (according to The Times) warned "Britain has lived in a fool’s paradise for too long and must reduce public spending to help fund taxcuts.". You know, credit where it's due: so much is made of unmoving, divisive tribalism nowadays - it's nice to read something that serves as that moment of clarity. A quote that lets you see things from the other side's perspective. I get it now. I mean, here *I* was thinking that a collapsing NHS and foodbank queues were signs of cruelty and deprivation, but no, it's clear to me now this has been a lap of luxury. A fool's paradise, no less. Tell us Simon, is there some way we can pay more? Or twice? To fund these Hedge Fund guys' bonuses? This opulent existence must come to an end and we must do it by buying them all new Bentleys. Do you accept cash, Simon? Amex? A recently-shuttered walk-in centre? And of course here's the punchline: Clarke is the Secretary of State for Levelling Up. Experts are idiots. Our closest neighbours are our enemies. And being tasked to improve deprived areas means you should appear in a national newspaper, telling poor people they've had it too good for too long and it's time to grow up. "Mr Clarke, we've got ambulance queues round the corner and these kids can't afford to eat!" "God, that sounds amazing. Is this a private members club?" That's the deal. Taxcuts for the rich. Plebs are going to pay for it. Austerity 2.0 on the way. Hospitals closed. Domestic violence shelters and methadone clinics will be gone. Will we let violent offenders out early to save money? Will your Granmother die in the street because the ambulance broke down? Will homelessness soar? This is Britain headed into 2023. Christ, what a place the patriots have made it. Still, I imagine with the devalued pound there'll be an uptick in tourism. Americans, fuck it, probably Zimbabweansflying in to take advantage of our weak currency. And as they come out of Terminal 3 and find their way into London, where they're met with mentally unwell roamers, exposed sewage, beggars and bodies, I imagine them looking at one another, looking around again, looking down at their phones, and tweeting "Britain is a dump". Before one of us replies: "Yep, used to be paradise."
