The Tory Conference kicked off this week. And it's funny. You could choose to interpret that opening sentence in any way you wish and it'd still be 100% accurate. Lunacy. U-turns. Plotting. Misconduct. All you need is a couple of sexual assaults and it would've lived up to its Wikipedia description: a chance for the public to hear ideas and learn about the party's plans for the year ahead. The Conservative Party is in a dire state. I think it was Iain Dale who said Democracy works best when there's a strong opposition. Does that mean we're in a new Golden Era? Because right now the PM has 'em lining up to strongly oppose her. In a, yes, carefully constructed order: Labour, former Tory ministers, some of the current Cabinet, Martin Lewis, the fucking Bank of England, international Economists, the IMF, the President of the United States, Me. I mean, here I was thinking UK politics was reaching its nadir. But no, Democracy works best like this. Though I'm still unsure when the benefits of this optimal setting will materialise? Perhaps they're just around the corner? It's difficult to imagine a situation where Truss wouldn't have been aware of the pitfalls of retiring the big names from the previous administration in the way that she did. Sunak, Patel, Dorries, Shapps... Of course you want to build your own team. Of course you want to distance yourself from the chaos of Team Johnson. But what you gain with a rebrand, you lose with criticisms coming at you from left-field. Embittered ex-colleagues only too happy to fire shots. Consequently, as a casual observer, it comes off less as "a fresh start" and more "Axl Rose fires entire band and takes new 'Guns n Roses' on tour; is surprised ex-bandmates call him a c**t". When Johnson ostracised the moderates of his party (the ones who only hunted poor people on the weekends), he was almost let off on the basis his polling was so good, and that it was later realised into a healthy majority. Conservative candidates were willing to look the other way if he could deliver them some electoral success. I imagine two Tory MPs, friends, who've worked together for years, discussing it at the time, like: "Yes, it's terrible what he's doing to the political discourse and AWFUL that he's de-selecting you just for speaking up." "God, I'm so glad you've said that! So, you'll speak up and defend me?" "Oh God no! Weren't you listening? I said 'it's awful'. Why would I want that for ME!?" "Oh." "Look, I'm sorry if you thought I was about to publicly speak out and defend you, but no, I was actually just contextualising my self-serving sociopathy." But with Truss, there can be no such Faustian Pact. Because there's no credible way to market her policies as anything that will guarantee her MPs a job in two years. Because - here's the kicker - outside of a few unhappy marriages, the polls for "I want to be removed from my home" are still pretty low. That shit is a hard-sell on the doorstep. Easier in Aldershot, admittedly. And so they speak out. But not, you understand, out of concern for things like American investors buying up all our property. Not out of dismay at the PM's policies. But self preservation. Yes, they're gross and disloyal and selfish. But in some ways THEY'RE JUST LIKE US. They just want some certainty and to know they're still going to have a job in eighteen months. And although they're quite happy to tell the public "Don't listen to the doomsters, we've had enough of experts, hang in there, the Brexit Unicorn will be here soon! In Liz We Truss! Christ is coming!" if we're talking about Brexit or Economic Vandalism or Climate Change. When it comes to their own livelihoods? Well then they want some certainty, timescales, security. Still, funny to watch though, ain't it? A party that's tanking in the polls, a PM with the worst approval-rating ever recorded by Opinium, a Tory administration fighting factionalised warfare, a 4-week old Govt that's ballsacked its reputation on the world stage (Minibudget Chaos, the N.I. Protocol); Honestly, to see them seal-clapping Truss as she walks onstage is hilarious. Do they honestly still like her? Perhaps the Jury's out. One thing's for certain: the Truss Bounce is showing all the spring and joy of a toddler falling from a Juliet balcony. And there's something peak cringe about it, isn't there? You almost feel sorry for her? Which, look, we have to be careful. "Feeling Sorry FOR Liz" is almost certainly an outsourced, Serco-style setup. As a general rule I'm against Govt outsourcing, but it's difficult to argue that there are others who can do human emotions better. I digress. Anyway, seriously, does she even know how bad things are for her? She doesn't appear to? I mean, here she is. At the peak. She's reached the top. Cameras. Lights. Music playing. There's Hair & Makeup. She's happy and laughing. She's really enjoying this! But it's not... quite how she thinks it is, y'know? Just behind the curtain there's no doubt a whole team of aides fighting over who's going to tell her. Who's going to break it to her she's about to leave the Tories with three fucking seats? Christ, why is she dancing? It's like watching a beaming bride on her wedding day, who has no idea she's marrying a man who had sex with two of the waiters at the rehearsal dinner. Ecstatic but clueless. Blissfully ignorant. In Truss's mind she's the Iron Lady 2.0. She's a bold, unflinching world-leader, whose economic turbulence is a price we must all pay for the soon-to-be-had benefits to her genius. Applauded. Celebrated. Cheered. I'm sorry if that sounds depressing. Let's try and leave this on a positive note this week. Let's look at this through the prism of Diversity, of potential and Social Mobility. The next time someone tells you to manage your expectations or "be a bit more realistic with your goals", you need only point them to our Prime Minister, Liz Truss. Lib Dem or Tory. Anti-monarchist or monarchist. Remainer or Brexit. Prime Minister... or cognitively-impaired nut job receiving standing ovations for myriad failing policies. Anyone really can be anything.
