Trump Promotes A FAN To Be His Press Secretary

I always thought bombarding my crush with WhatsApps at 2am and begging her to be her slave and live with her and work with her was a bit much. But it's clear now I wasn't trying hard enough.

That's the lesson I've taken from the news that Donald Trump has hired one of his greatest fans to be his White House Press Secretary.

Katie Zacharia has just landed the role, and Golfcart Mugabe has announced it by praising her in his unique Truth Social cadence, as “a loyal and brilliant supporter” and (more revealingly) “a devoted fan and member of MAGA.”

A devoted fan.

Not a skilled communicator who might occasionally tell the boss an uncomfortable truth. A sycophant. A MAGA groupie. Does Natalie know? Does Melania? Does Melania know about Natalie? This is all very difficult to keep up with. I always wondered if Trump might die of cancer or Alzheimers but I wonder if at eighty years old he might not keel over mid-coitus with all these Playboy Mansion types swooning around him.

But is Zacharia qualified, you might ask? Is she someone with a track record of navigating the press without turning every briefing into a tubthumping grand-standing matrix-bullet dodge fest? No. Not really. She's a fan. The sort of person who still believes Trump merch is valuable after the third rug-pull and fifth bankruptcy. Because he's selling it in a Temple.

Zacharia arrives via our usual MAGA conveyor belt: Fox News and Newsmax, a blink-and-you-missed-it stint as Homeland Security spokesperson, and most recently senior comms for Truth Social itself.

She is, in other words, already on the payroll of the President’s personal media empire. Or perhaps another way of looking at this is to think of the White House Press Sec as now merely the human embodiment of trash AF social media.

Indeed hiring the person who helps run your propaganda app to become the official face of the government feels less a Recruitment choice and more vertical integration. Why outsource the spinning when you can bring that spinner in-house?

This comes, of course, at a moment of exquisite tension between the White House and the actual press. Last month Trump banned three outlets, triggering a boycott that managed to overshadow even a visit from Xi Jinping.

The message was clear enough: access is a privilege, not a right, and it can be revoked the moment the coverage fails to sufficiently fellate the President. Into this charged atmosphere steps a professional cheerleader whose primary qualification appears to be never having publicly doubted the brand.

The U.S. is still reeling from years of chaotic governance, eroded institutions, and a politics that treats truth as optional add-on. And the Trump Admin's response is to hire someone whose job has been to make the chaos look intentional and the erosion look like progress.

Somehow dwindling living standards, soaring Gas and an increasingly dangerous/unstable world are "...Great Again". Public executions will be celebrated for their viewing figures. Govt debt will be dismissed in favour of the winners of the NASDAQ and Dow.

So who loses? Well, working-class voters who keep turning up for this particular show are the ones left holding/paying the emotional bill: told that the man on stage cares about their empty wallets and shuttered factories, many laud and applaud him, turning the other way as his actual policy continues to favour the supremely rich. It's not a stretch to describe their support as near-on religious at this point. It'll all come round eventually, it's all part of Donald's plan, just keep the faith, hold your Trump branded Bible and trust in his vision;

Zacharia has a law degree from Pepperdine and, according to Trump, “likes people.” He even suggested she likes the press corps, before immediately undercutting the idea with the classic “I don’t know if that’s good or bad.” One suspects that "liking" will prove increasingly conditional. The role of press secretary under this admin has never been about informing the public so much as managing the President’s chaos and restricting the media’s access. Karoline Leavitt has gone; she was bad enough. But the vacancy is now filled by someone whose loyalty comes pre-certified and whose previous employer is the President’s own social media company.

The conflict of interest isn’t a bug. It’s the feature. As the midterms approach and Trump’s numbers sit at historic lows, they're doubling down on the only strategy they have left: surround the principal with people who will never, under any circumstances, suggest the emperor’s new clothes are just the same old suit with a hip-brimming nappy underneath.

Public services can wither, the needy can wait, the greater good can take a number. What matters is the brand, Trumpism, remains. That fans remain devoted. That they can see even somebody demonstrably unsuitable can win off the back of that devotion.

Somewhere out there, a professional communications operative with actual independence and a spine is watching this and quietly updating their LinkedIn. Meanwhile the rest of us get another reminder that in Trump’s Washington, the highest praise you can receive is that you never stopped believing – even when belief required industrial quantities of self-deception.